dum spiro, spero...

the title simply means -while i breath, i hope-, Latin sentence.
the sudden crave to explore classicism, way back to the history and language seems to have an intimate relationship with me swt.
cobby web blog again,yet i like it to be in this way.never once do i like to be put in the middle of the spotlight,or i shall say it can cause nervous-ness in me.
I just like to live in my own small place,sheltered, covered, secured. and not even my closest family member can come in.
being emo right now, and feel liek typing it out, this feeling is so fimiliar with the time when i was drunk (ah, that caramel chocolate taste like wine), a bit dizzy wizzy, mustbe the stupid dumb ass-ness anti itchy pill that just eaten hours ago,the after effect of it i guess.
college is starting soon and everything resume back to the normal mode.
however it is another way of viewing it after a year and half in this course.
i starting to think, to fear, to ponder.
I think about the changes in me after i enrolled in this course as i am getting more and more anti social,mind you,is an anti social communication student, contradiction detected.
I fear because my pride still hurt the oneS i care for, unintentionally, it always easy to say something out, then you regret what you have said as it hurts, deep down, i try to change but the pride seems to be in my blood, my vein, controlling it,its improving, i hope, i guess.
I ponder because my future as is a complete blank sheet, i am searching for it but right now i am totally clue-ness, not forgetting i need to take a lot of things into consideration as the reality keeps reminding me passion come first, but before that money is the ultimate answer for everything,for my family, at least.

For people i might be wasting my holidays by doing nothing,but indeed i did a lot, more to self discovery,again?
as i gradually grow up i just realised i am that kinda person who like to think about life and balance up my characters with the nature.
and most of all the saddest tragic happen in this whole life process is i give up on a lot of things, expectations, hopes, faith, truth, justice, friends, relationship.
everything i mentioned above is just something potray to u in fairy tales, get back to beauty and the beast cinderella snow white, hey, i just realised it is all imaginative figure create by people, even my cousin sisters dont believe in it.
as for friends, the thing i give up about it is the failure to make new friends, or i am intentionally avoiding the chance to meet new friends because i know it takes time to build up a a new friendship. maybe i just plainly know if you are true enough and sincere to be my friends, the friendship will blossom through times rather than keep hoping the friendship will last till the end of the life in the way you want.

or maybe sometimes you are hoping and you didnt know you are doing it and suddenly a 100kg hammer bang hard on my head and wake up from my drowsy sleep, realising i am building castle in the air again.
sigh. dum spiro, spero.
i only wont hope if i dont breathe,
but its impossible for that to happen.
ok,enough of emo-ing here, should think of something happy.

for example : my new school bag. @_@
(i like to called it 'school bag' rather than 'college bag' because it got those back to school feel!
a tiny whiny miny hope of mine : a better semester ahead!
i learn to cherish every moment in my college life, because i only got 1 and half year to go if i dont fail any subject larh, so fast! time flies *cough cough like old man remembering old time look*