I am back in front of the computer screen.blogger screen.typing.and stop.
3 months holidays, and it is a whole summer vacation for Australia.
for me.i keep saying i am busy with life.
but am i busy with my life?or am i filling my life with things and stuff to stop me from thinking crap.
or giving me the space to inhale.to breathe in.to mediatate?
I have the sudden urge to write after looking at lcy's blog after her blog officially close down for so long.
i mean WAY LONG.nearly lost contact her.
but i know she is doing good.the best i can say.
hereby, i really want to express my jealousy.
really lcy.
i am so jealous of you.
for the life you have right now.the environment.your studies.
but at the same time.i am glad that you are doing good.
no nid hsl to naggy u again.
as for myself.
i am really confused by myself.
sometimes i even blame myself for my childish-ness.or naive-ness.
too easy to believe, trust and give in.
ended up hurting myself so much that i am totally lost.
and i really mean it.
lost.
the society seems so horrible.
its all about using each other.until you have nothing left, and they just left you there alone, while you still hoping they will turn their head to you, give you a hand and ................
that is just my imagination.
is it media industry a more complicated industry compare to other industry?
you need to be firm.tough.and oh well.cold blooded.
but for now.i am scared.
since the 'incident', i have no more feeling anymore.
after the flared up case, i am totally immune.
i dont have a damn hope on anyone.
anyone seems to be just.....human.nothing more.
i cant even put any feeling to them.
my words turns out harsh.
my feeling is so numb.
and my acting skill is nearly perfect,
when i can smile and talk to you in this second
but when i turn my back,i can just be emotionless.
now i am adjusting my life, and living in my comfort zone that is now more strictly for those who are in my zone.
for others,i deal with them as if i am dealing with clients.
if i am so vulnerable,i scare i am not suitable for this course.
bout for mass communication.i really have my passion towards it.
deep passion.that make me want to go deeper to explore, to be a part of it.
now i understand why people choose their passion in their life rather than finding a job with fix income.
with passion,we can go further.we wont give up.and we want more of it with enthusiasm.
what am i talking?
omg.i just type without thinking,and yup, i like talking, but writing and talking to myself seems comfortable too.
right now i wonder in my college,what my friends think about me?
am i a girl who just smile and look so fake to you?
or am i so un-approachable.or maybe i look like a dumb ass when my social skill so the cha beh.
a nerd is a good description for me too when comes to assignment,my serious-ness usually scares people away.haha.
a bit kiddy sometimes and like dou deng ? -_-ll
i am not sure.but it should be others and how they perceive me as.
and now i dont even have the intention to change how others think about me.
at the mean time, i also so dissapointed and stop asking people to change to become better.
i know it wont work.i mean it wont work at all.
really.ended up hurting yourself.
and they dont even appreciate the heart, the effort you put in just because you want them to have the best in life as friend.
and oh well,not forgetting even et scolded, or pissed off by people when you did that.
i know i cannot blame anyone.no one.not even one.it is me who doing this kinda thing to change hoping the best for people.for friend.
what you have done,is seems so natural.
natural until the extend i am turning my head away,completely.
sigh.why suddenly i seems so emo and all this kinda feeling flowing out.
no more anger,its over.it is more to dissapointement.
back to the simplest solution,i guess be yourself is the best right?
what my gor commented on me is so the accurate,i am still a kiddy in heart, 19 years old still go manja on the phone swt.
but this kiddy is back with full of energy,being herself, and yup, welcoming the ugly society with a smile on the face.
lalala~
so much of crap today.
if anyone of you have read and follow my lines until here, really,i am happy.contented.
that means you,the person who is reading,i know you care about me, or at least want to know what is happening in my life.
i am open to find friends who come in any good circumstances =)
sigh.life ah life......
(seems so ah po)
siginig off.
and promise.no more long post,will be cheerful post next time =p
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3 comments:
Hi Suet Ling! Ju Enn here.. Hey, stop apologizing about expressing your feelings. It's your blog, what is wrong with expressing yourself in your blog?
I can relate to what you are saying. Yeah, this world is full of people who just like to take advantage of the people around. I get disappointed and disillusioned by them too. You can't expect everyone to have good intentions. It's hard to find people who are genuine these days..
But that doesn't mean that we should stop believing in humanity. Call me naive, but I still believe that in the end, good will prevail over evil.
As for me, I am glad that I have found some good friends (some, BFFs) but even then, it's hard because I can never be 100% sure of their heart all the time. But I am willing to put some trust in them. I don't know what I'd do without them.
As for your question about how people view you, even though the two of us don't really talk much in college, I always saw you as a very nice girl (honestly) and you seem pretty genuine to me.. well, that's how I feel la.
Cheer up, OK? ;)
hey suet ling. :) i feel a little envious when i heard tht u are having violin classes and going to gym n stuffs. haha.
go on with ur passion. totally agree with u, it's the best thing to take what's the thing u like most.
read a whole day of moral studies, just to prepare for the exam. @.@ got one topic, talked bout egoism, which can be defined as selfish. There stated, everyone ought to be selfish. a philosopher who i really don't remember said even superhero try to sacrifice himself, maybe was out of self-interest, that he felt super joyful at that moment of self sacrificing until he stop preventing himself to think bout his own life and avoid the pain he might get. haha. i duno why i wanted to talk bout this. But felt like the people in this world 99% are selfish, or already used to be selfish, until they didn't realize a thing about it. Me too. Tried my best not to be one, but at last it's too tiring. Slow down ur steps when u feel too tired to walk fast. A 3 months holiday might give u sometimes to relax awhile. try not to think bukan2 dy. wow. a very long time i never nag ppl. hahahahahhaa.
duno watch which show dy, someone told someone, life's like that, u fall down and u stand up again and walk. u fall down again, still u have to stand up and continue ur way. don't because u scared tht u'll get hurt, and u've once been hurt and avoid all the possibilities and cut off networks with people. @.@ haha. i sudden;t remember, i watched the gem of life, itu terrance(chan hou) told constance(lychee). :p
all the best. will stand by u. also less contact. true friends like cy, my and us will always be thr. :) gayao!! I understand coz i've been through too. :)
shit. i feel so lame to write a speech like tht. :p don't mind me.
ju enn--really suprise to see your long comment in my blog =)....i also dunnoy i keep apologizing when i talk about my inner feeling swt(really swt,thanks for tellimg me that cause i just realise it )....hope we got more chance to talk in the next semester.....happy holidays to you too!
ernie---omgoody.another long comment for me and make me so gam dong.lovey you ernie..apa lame to write tis kinda speech la.is jin1 yu4 liang2 yan2 le....sigh.feel so happy to have you all bside me.i will jia you de!!meet you sooner or later =p
indeed.i miss all my beaniez n cm T_T
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